Mac Attacks Your Team
Macca is into his third season of NRLCEO after leaving the dark side – aka Nearly Sport.
A published novelist of three books including From the Shadows, Sinner and Scarecrows and Dead Man Walking. The man obviously has some serious writing talent.
So each year he decided to take on the task of previewing each of the teams in his Supporters League. All 16 teams. It’s a massive task but he leaves everyone in stitches so they egg him on.
Let us know in the comments in you want to read more Mac Attacks on other teams throughout the year.
WARNING: Foul language ahead…
Roosters
The backs: A
Okay, so he runs like he has a giant carrot wedged in his anus, but James Tedesco is the headline act, among others, with his undeniable speed and thirst for finding the try line.
Latrell Mitchell is the other notable superstar in this back five. Yes, he is still so young that he can probably count his pubes on one hand, but the kid is all class and did an excellent job trying to convince the Maori All Stars that he is all grown up by leading the war cry in G.I’s absence. To be fair, the cocky little Rooster did a fair fucking job.
Tyrone Peachey is the only unknown quantity for mine. Will he play centre, lock, 5/8, back row, bench utility, coach, or cock-sucking cheerleader? Only God knows the answer to that. The good news, however, is that whippet will rack up points faster than a rat up a drain pipe. The signs all look good from the Rooster’s rear end.
The halves: D+
It’s a complete and utter shambles when you look at the halfback stocks at Bondi. Trent Hodkinson has had it. Too old. Too shit in the first place anyway. Douiehi is part lock, part half, part fullback, part centre and part queer. He’s a fantasy coach’s nightmare. Another of these fucking “Super sub’s” who can do everything from juggling a suitcase full of dildos to copping a dozen dirty cum shots in the face. The boy can do it all – except play 80 minutes at halfback every week. Fucking hopeless recruitment. Keary will do a nice job playing second fiddle to Cooper Donkey again in 2019. Expect a few high scores when he crosses for a meat pie or two…but odds are he’ll let Cronk run the show and take all the glory at the end of it all. Devious little cunt.
The pack: B+
We’ve all talked about it, but no one wants to confront it. Jack De Belin is a stain on the NRL. Drafting De Belin should be forbidden too but there’s always one who gets tempted by the forbidden fruit! Goldilocks thought he could just waltz into the three bears’ home and rape baby bear while mummy and daddy bear weren’t home and get away with it. The stupid prick needs to think less about his dick and pecs, and focus on playing footy. Lock the cunt up in prison with Elton John and see who wants to have a game of “Bleeding bum holes”. I bet Elton John wins every time.
Apart from that minor digression, Jake Friend, Boyd Cordner and Tim Glasby make up a solid pack, along with the likes of Angus Crichton, who unfortunately lacks the ability to pull the fingers, play pull-my-finger, or stimulate a woman into ecstasy after making the ridiculous decision to get the chop last year. Quite frankly it’s a mockery to the “physically challenged” community. On the bright side, the man with the half-mullet, half-mowhawk can actually play some decent footy, and I predict great things from him this year. Super purchase despite his lack of ability to count to ten on his fingers.
Finals chances: last years Premiers in this Supporters League will be fucking hard to stop. As much as I hate to say it after the raping I received in the Grand Final last year, the Roosters will be right up there with the best of them.
Storm
The backs: A
Now, I must point out that as a Warriors fan I hate Melbourne with a passion. So it pains me greatly to say that this back line has all the hallmarks of a quality team: Two lightning quick wingers who could outrun a herd of cheetahs, the white whippet in Edwards who slices through defensive lines the same way Ian Roberts can get through even the tightest set of clenched butt cheeks, the young captain in S-Mat and the old war horse in Josh Morris who decided to go around one more time before being set to the glue factory. It’s quite the handy combo.
The halves: A-
Cameron Munster is a freak of nature, and he’s not even in the fullback jersey. Munster should punch out more points than the entire Bulldogs squad combined this season. With Bellyache resembling Gordon Ramsay on steroids, barking orders until he has blood in his stool, he should rise to the challenge and get the job done.
Brodie Croft is still a work in progress and the jury is still out on him for mine. One week he resembles Cooper Cronk 2.0, then the next he resembles Shaun Johnson at the Warriors: where the hell is he?? The truth of it all is that last year Croft thought his shit didn’t stink and that he would simply walk into first grade and it would all just fall into place for him. WRONG! You gotta work for it you little bastard! 2019 will be the year of the Croft. Mark my nonsensical words.
The Pack: B
Look, I get it, any pack containing the likes of the evergreen, cheating scumbag Smith, Kaufusi and Ese’ese possibly deserves a higher grading. But I don’t give a shit. Cooper and Blair bring down what is actually a bloody good engine room. The problem, is now that the JT era is over, Cooper will be as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition. You might as well just throw rocks at him for all the help he’s gonna give the scorecard this year. He’s a dickless piece of shit and we all know it. Adam Blair is hiding under the same umbrella. If the All Stars game was anything to go by, Blair should bring in the same amount of points for the year as you would find on a triangle.
Finals chances: Lock em’ in Eddie. This bunch of purple Drag Queens will find themselves near the top of the pile come season’s end. Maggots.
Rabbitohs
The backs: F+
What – the – actual – fuck! I mean, seriously?? This has to be the worst back line in the history of fantasy footy. Even rookie coaches of any fantasy sport known to man could pick 5 players that are better than these mugs. I mean, most of these pricks aren’t guaranteed to play. Lets break this atrocious mess down.
Dufty: will play reserve grade – bar an injury to Widdop or Norman. Jennings: used to be good. Outside one of the greatest. At another club. Kelly: He plays for the Titans and is locked in a 4-way fuckfest for a starting spot. Hiku: can’t catch, can’t tackle, and is likely to miss the top Warriors side unless Jesus walks on water for the second time. Ross: no way near making the run on side at Newcastle. Seriously, this back line is packing more shit than a queer cunt’s love-stick. I just can’t wrap my head around what the coach was thinking during the draft. Perhaps he was pissed or stoned? Or perhaps a combination of both? And if he was, he didn’t offer me any. Asshole.
The halves: A
So the back line resembles a special needs class trying to play Twister, but out of the darkness comes some much needed light in the halves. Cody Walker is a class act. He generates more speed on the paddock than an Aussie on holiday in India running for the toilet after ingesting a dodgy Vindaloo. Adam Reynolds is all about goals and try assists. the points should flow fast and freely – much like the green horrendous smell coming from that same Aussie’s asshole on holiday in India. Well done on picking two halves that can actually play.
The pack: B-
Three words: Damien Fucking Cook. What a freakish talent unleashed upon the NRL last season. We all found out just how good the former beach sprinter was once he finally told Robbie Farah to “Move the fuck over” and dominated the hooker position from pillar to post. My gut instinct tells me he’ll do it all again in 2019.
Cam Murray, Slammin’ Sammy Burgess the Super Sexter and Jessie snort-it-up Bromwich make up the guts of a formidable pack. Kudos goes to the coach there. But to be fair, 3 out of 4 of those fuckers were picked during the initial 6-man recruitment period, meaning that the Bunnies coach has the drafting skills of a blind man playing soggy biscuit. John Asiata is an absolute shithouse signing along with Mr Fix It, Mitch Aubusson. Both are as useful as Cyanide infused toothpaste – which I think the coach could use a tube of by season’s end. It would be the sensible thing to do after the raping he’s gonna cop.
Finals chances: You read it here first folks: you’re looking at the Spooners for 2019. What a bunch of cunts.
Broncos
The backs: B-
From the moment I started combing through the Broncos squad and piecing together their best back line I quickly realised that even the world’s most clueless detective would know that we aren’t dealing with a pack of wild Broncos, but more like pack of miniature ponies giving rides to four-year-old children at the local country fair. Justin O’Neill, once dubbed “The Ferrari”, is more like a broken down Morris Minor these days. He just doesn’t cut it in the NRL and will be hopeful at best to make the Round 1 line up at Cowboys HQ. Wighton will likely suit up at five-eighth in what can only be described as a worthless Raiders side, and Mahe Fonua literally should be fined for bringing the game into disrepute for sporting the most ridiculous fucking mullet known to man. Isaako and Oates are the highlights in this otherwise average pack of retards.
The halves: C+
I was just getting over the back line woes – only to stumble upon the Ponies’ halves. Weak, inconsistent, untested, overrated, overpaid, irrelevant, diabolical, & desperate are just a few superlatives that come to mind when I think of Ashley Taylor and Adam Keighran. Not only is the latter untested at NRL level, but he’s playing for the Warriors. Even as a die-hard Warriors fan myself, I know the golden rule: if you want to win, you’d do well to avoid buying Warriors players. Even on his best day Ashley Taylor isn’t worth the steam of my piss. He’s dreaming if he thinks he’ll ever make an Origin side. Good luck with that shit-stain steering the Ponies around the park.
The pack: A+
At last, something worthy of writing about. This pack is fizzing harder than an old man’s viagra-loaded ball sack. Seriously, TPJ, Matterson, Ofahengaue, and the angry, haggis-eating Scott in McCullough will destroy opposition packs with their base points. TPJ has to be the biggest rising star (forward) in the entire NRL, and every coach would happily part with a finger, toe, or potentially even a testicle to trade TPJ into their squad. If Matt Lodge can withstand another year of getting booed off the park I believe he can go another level this season, as will Ah Mau in what can only be described as an average Warriors front row. If I was coach Tux I’d be happier than some dirty bitch with a horses floppy cock balls-deep in her ass. More power to you, sir.
Finals chances: There’s simply too much firepower in the pack to not make the 8 this year – assuming Tux can remember to pick his team on a weekly basis and not hold up the entire fucking competition.
Panthers
The backs: B-
At first glace, the Panthers’ backline looks like whipped cream on a supermodels tits just waiting to be licked off. But when you delve a little deeper you suddenly realise that there is whipped cream on a supermodel in front of you, but it’s actually on her sphincter. Some would say that’s completely awesome, others would say that would leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Greg Inglis is a superstar on paper, but his injuries and form of late have been a little worrisome, not to mention he’s carrying the equivalent of Nicki Minaj’s ass on his guts. Hymel Hunt should see the axe when Tautau Moga returns from injury, and Jahrome Hughes is locked in a 3-way race for the fullback spot at the Storm. Nothing is set in concrete, except the fact that this backline ain’t at hot as it first appeared. Blake and Mansour are the exceptions and should bring plenty of points to the boys at the foot of the ladder, oops , I mean Blue Mountains.
The halves: B-
What’s that noise?? Haha that’s the sound of every other NRLCEO coach pissing themselves laughing because of the name listed on the Panthers’ team sheet at 5/8. “ALL HAIL SEEZER!” The coach shouted to the minions, and not a single cunt bent the knee. Talk about the second coming of Trent Hodkinson: slow, no creativity, and will score exactly five-eighth’s of fuck all. Cleary, on the other hand, was cloned in a lab from his father’s DNA. It is mental how much he looks like his daddy-coach. He inherited Ivan’s ability to score tries, kick goals, and also his tiny penis, but hey, with skills like he has, who’s complaining about the shriveled stump between his legs. Super fucking signing to compliment his retarded halves partner.
The pack: B-
This pack gets the award for the most fucking double-barrelled surnames! For that reason alone I deducted a point off the grading for making me write so many bloody names unnecessarily. Apart from that there is actually an ounce of starch about these pricks that could prove useful across the park. Kikau is the obvious pick. When he runs at opposition halfbacks hiding out on the edges it looks like a kangaroo raping a koala bear in the ass with no lube. It’s a bloody mess which usually results in points in a big way. Gillard is a Smokey this year after what can only be described as a piss poor season by his standards. The only thing that really went in his favour was his ability to grow a killer moustache. I like the acquisition of Victor Radley to cover the loss of wade Graham through the early rounds. There seems to be a lot of love for him in fantasy circles this year. Granville JFH and Fonua Blake round out a bloody sizable pack which should tick over the scoreboard at about the same pace as NRL players have gotten in the shit over the off-season.
Finals chances: definitely shooting for the eight if the backline recruitment comes off. Just lick the whipped cream off the supermodels star and you should be sweet.
Cowboys
The backs: B-
I was walking down the aisle at the supermarket looking for pasta and I saw two brands that reminded me of the Cowboys backline: NO FRILLS and BUDGET. Let me explain: Meaney could barely make the Knights last year and we all know how SHIT they have been for quite some time. Nathan Brown had a full crop of hair last time the Knights were successful. Jennings was told he’d play reserve grade this year unless he moved on, but not even the Knights wanted him. He’s kind of like a 1980’s Japanese car: it’ll keep working and get you from point A to point B, but you really want a new Ferrari in the fucking garage. Nene I-can’t-resist-McDonald’s is hardly the answer to the Cowboys’ backline issues either. Feldt and Johnston are the shining lights in the backs. Should find plenty of points from those two show ponies. I don’t even want to mention that they picked up Jordan Kahu on a whim, who can’t beat Jack Bird to a spot in the Broncos backline. Enough said.
The halves: C+
JT 2.0 & Charlie Brown – or at least they should consider playing Charlie Brown because at least everybody knows who he is. Yes, he probably gets Snoopy to lick peanut butter off his bollocks when no one is looking, but it has to be better than the unknown rookie playing outside of Mitchell Moses. Then there’s Michael Morgan who has the entire hopes of Townsville on his shoulders after Ben Barba told his Mrs who’s boss. From the two black eyes she was sporting it’s safe to say he’d told her twice but she just didn’t listen.
The pack: A
Fuck me dead! Check out some of the behemoths in this pack! The chief on Tonga, Say Yes to the Dress Hess & shit-for-brains McGuire. Throw in the likes of Taukeiaho and Tapine and you’ve got the recipe for success as far as the forward pack goes. But there is one obvious fuck up in their recruitment, as obvious as the 11-toes on most children born in Townsville. Manase Fainu. What the fuck is going on there?? You’d get better value by spending $10 on a hooker on some dodgy street corner knowing you’ll walk away with a average-to-good blowie and only a 57% chance of contracting herpes – which are far greater odds than Fainu scoring anything this season unless Koroisau goes down early in the season. Sseriously, you need to sort your shit out.
Finals chances: This is one of those teams that you don’t want to play on their day. The only question remains is how consistent will they be?? Decent chance for the eight but who the fuck really knows.
Sharks
The backs: A-
Well, well, well, what do we have here? A fullback turned five-eighth turned fullback turned five-eighth turned fucking fullback at fullback, a winger whose parents clearly didn’t know that Jorge is actually spelt with a G (meaning the IQ may not fall far from the intelligence tree) a half indigenous Aboriginal, half indigenous Maori in Gayguy, the best Dutch goal kicker on the planet in Holland, and the man with such a gob-ful of a fucking surname that I’m not even going to bother mentioning his name. Call it want you want, but it’s some very handy recruitment indeed. I find the best strategy in drafting sometimes is to just pick players that are walk up starters , and this team of cunts has nailed that in every position across the back five. Well done to you, fine sir.
The halves: A+
Fuck you and your fucking Sharks for poaching what can only be described as one of the best fantasy players in the universe. SJ dodges more tackles than a straight guy in a gay bar, which is great for NRLCEO, because the reality of SJ controlling a team and bringing a Premiership to the Sutherland shire is about the same as the chances of KKK Knievel jumping 100 ducks in a steam roller. Maloney needs no introduction. He will annoy points out of his opposition simply by talking. He’s a little maggot and should be the perfect foil for SJ.
The pack: B
If Aaron Woods was any certainty of starting I’d had given higher marks for the pack. But he’s not so you can stick your A+ grading right up your Jacksie. Apart from Woods’ disastrous half mullet in Round 1 last year, he just never found any consistent minutes or points for me. His recruitment reeks of desperation in a pack thrown together in hope of glory. The G-train has to be on his last legs. Yes, he knocked out Hopoate in a fight that can only be labelled as “special faggots” but let’s be honest: little red riding hood has got more spine and cock than the two of them put together. Capewell could be a bargain, Ma’u should provide some spark in a woeful Eels side, and Brailey brings down the pack’s average rating with his sub-par output. All in all its a pass mark, but only fucking just.
Finals chances: get these guys around to your house if you need wallpaper removed because this squad will be pros after scraping along the bottom half of the eight all season.
Warriors
Written by Deano – we didn’t want him to write his own review!
Well if you can’t put a half decent backline together with last season’s top try scorer in your line up you have to start asking some serious questions regarding your recruiting ability. Thankfully for the Warriors coach and former (2017 champion) he has managed to assemble a competitive line up with only a few questions marks.
The backs: B+
Lomax is a gun in the making and if he starts on the wing, his stocks will go up significantly with duel position status. Also an excellent kicker, Coach Macca will be singing his praises all year and he should score plenty (if Aitken ever passes it). The same can’t be said for Si Katoa. The boy can run but so can anyone if you only weigh 65kg. Watch for him to be manhandled more than Elton John this year and be labeled “Bevan French II”. Jack Bird is apparently “training the house down” and so he should be since he spent last season “eating it”. Word on the street from my spies in Brisbane HQ indicated Jack Bird was sporting quite the gut when checking back in for training this year. Let’s just say if gut girth represented a man’s wealth, Bird could easily retire this year. Expect Roger “how the fu*k did I win the Dally M” Tuivasa-Sheck to go awol this year. With only one good knee, expect his running meters to halve and him to go down with a season ending injury as he will want out of a struggling NRL warriors (post the Shaun Johnson era). If it wasn’t for the superstar Fusitua in this line up, the B+ could easily be a C+.
The halves: B+
On paper, brilliant pick-ups and both have regular starting spots. In reality both will have great games only once a month. How do you feel when your home club shopped you around only to have no takers! Parramatta’s Moses dilemma is something we can all relate to. We all want a new car, but realise the old one isn’t paid off yet and isn’t worth fuck-all. The ugly annoying step kid that you have to tolerate but really don’t like, Mitchell Moses will have a telling year ahead trying to impress a club and coach who with one hand, will be patting him on the head after each game and with the other hand, have a contract ready to go if they can somehow recruit another decent halfback to the rubbish Parramatta club. Milford could do anything this year at the Broncos and coach Seibold loves attacking 5/8’s. Could be a smokey for the Dally M if his plastic shoulders can stand up to the big units running directly at him.
The pack: B
Harris, Papailii and Tevaga are to drool over and without doubt form one of the strongest backrow combinations in the competition. However, the sweet is best matched with the sour and this brings us to the Warriors front row. Any coach looking to turn bulimic, only need to look at the lineup of McLean, Nelson Asofa-Solomona (NAS) and Isaac (broken shoulders) Luke to ensure whatever meal was consumed beforehand will be coming straight back up in violent waves of nausea! Fuckall workhorse points for the Warriors front row this year apart from the odd try to NAS will be the only highlight with this mob. Expect Coach Macca to send out more trade requests than the New York stock exchange this season in order to get a prop who can generate a work horse throughout the year.
Playoff chances: There is a sprinkling of German made quality superstars in this lineup with a lot of cheap plastic Chinese shit to balance it out. They will scrap into the finals this year but struggle for points in key positions.
Grumpy Young Man
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