The Chinese Signs of the Fantasy Zodiac
The Chinese have been long touted for their wisdom and insight, and while the Chinese are not known for their love of Rugby League, it has recently been discovered that they are most knowledgeable in the ancient art of fantasy football.
Scholars have recently translated some scrolls that are believed to date back to the Craigwing Dynasty, or even as far back as the Mattsing Dynasty. The scrolls are said to reveal that being born on of a particular lunar year gives you NRLCEO attributes unique to one of 12 years within the cycle.
In the mystic realms of ancient Chinese wisdom, where scrolls whisper secrets of ages past, there lies a parallel fascination with the enigmatic art of Tarot Readings. Much like the revered scrolls from the Craigwing and Mattsing Dynasties, tarot Readings are seen as a portal to unlock the mysteries of destiny. Just as the lunar year bestows distinct NRLCEO attributes, tarot Readings delve into the cosmic energies, revealing the hidden facets of one’s being. In the intricate dance between celestial forces and earthly desires, both the wisdom of the Chinese ancients and the Tarot reveal the interconnected tapestry of human existence.
Which Chinese sign of the Fantasy Zodiac are you? Do you have one of each in your league?
The Ox is a quiet achiever. His fantasy team performs well week in and week out, and despite having what is considered a “boring “ team, the Ox has taken out the competition one or two times. Oxe teams have flashes of brilliance, and while their squads are rarely the high scorers of the week, they are never the lowest.
They know a fair amount about the NRL, and are fairly active during the weekly recruiting, but they only ever make smart, safe decisions, that are expected and no one really gives rats arse about. They don’t participate in the smack-talk, so they are rarely on the receiving end of it either.
Typical Ox recruit:
That good Melbourne forward that ISN’T Cameron Smith.
The Ox’s biggest rivals:
The Rat, Rooster, Snake and Dog. Anyone who plays NRLCEO with flair.
Rats love to devour fresh meat. They search everywhere to discover the team lists each Tuesday as early as possible, to pillage the fantasy free list before anyone else. Whenever you go to recruit a player, only to discover that he has already been taken, you can almost guarantee that he is now on the Rat’s team.
Rat teams appear to have a rotating roster, and it is rare that the same team is named two weeks in a row.
Like the Snake, Rats make plenty of personnel changes throughout the season, but they follow the NRL more closely, and only need to know if a player is named in first grade to make their decision.
Typical Rat recruits:
Players with names that no one is quite sure how to pronounce yet because they haven’t appeared in a Channel 9 game.
The Rats’ biggest rivals:
The Horse, Ox, Dragon and Monkey. Anyone who is knowledgeable enough to recruit better than them.
Pigs are hilarious. They have team names like Swamp Donkeys, Funkytown Disco Ninjas or Snuffmonkeys. They’re the type of CEO, who when forced to make a choice between two available players, will choose the one with the funnier hair-style, the hotter girlfriend, or the bigger moustache.
Despite being the league’s joker, they have an uncanny knack of selecting players who are inexplicably able to score well. Whether it’s through good luck or good management, Pigs always seem to be in the mix come finals time, and that does not always sit well with other CEOs.
Typical Pig recruits:
As many Burgi as possible. Preferably all of them. Even the crap ones.
The Pigs’ biggest rivals:
The Dragon, The Rabbit, The Monkey, The Rooster. Anyone who takes NRLCEO too seriously.
Dogs are plain crazy. Where Pigs make weird decisions because it’s funny, Dogs will make bizarre decisions just because they can. Mad Dogs will draft 4 Hookers, then recruit another 3 throughout the season.
They sometimes refuse to draft halves (unless they kick goals) because they provide less value. Despite having an abundance of talent in one position, Dogs will refuse to make trades with other CEOs. Even if there is a highly talented player on the fantasy free list, Dogs will ignore them, simply because they have a strong dislike for the NRL team they play with. They name wingers as captains, put goal kickers on the bench and don’t upload team logos because they can’t be bothered.
Typical Dog recruits:
Hair-triggered high-risk nut-bags like Nate Myles and Anthony Watmough who are likely to get sent off in any given game.
The Dog’s biggest rivals:
The Monkey, Ox, Dragon and Rabbit. Anyone who thinks anything through.
Roosters are the flashy, high-scoring, cocks-of-the-walk. They boastfully let you know how well they drafted, how many points they scored, and how well that player you dropped is now going in their team.
A Rooster is the type of CEO who is likely to send you an SMS on Saturday night after one of their players scores a hat-trick, but they’re also they type of CEO who will ignore your calls if you’re whipping his butt. They haven’t forgotten that time they beat your squad in round 11, 6 years ago, and they make sure you don’t forget either. Roosters can really be cocks.
Typical Rooster recruits:
Sonny Bill Williams. Billy Slater. Jarryd Hayne. Michael Ennis. Players you love to hate, and absolutely detest when they score against your team.
The Rooster’s biggest rivals:
The Monkey, Sheep, Ox and Horse. The no-nonsense NRLCEO player.
The Monkey is the sneakiest CEO in the league. They play their cards close to their chest, and seem to steal away all the good draft picks out from under everyone’s noses. Despite the clownish name, Monkeys are quite proud and often among the wisest and more meticulous CEOs in the league, making choices that many consider ‘crazy,’ but can end up being on the money.
Monkeys will often take risks, but they are calculated risks. However, when they’re caught red-handed making a bad decision, that’s when others strike and make fun of them for it. Beware though, Monkeys have a short fuse, and are known for going ape-shit.
Typical Monkey recruits:
Players who seriously under-performed last season.
The Monkey’s biggest rivals:
The Pig, Dog, Rooster and Sheep. Anyone who ruffles feathers.
Sheep once had a great team. They may have even won the comp a few times – but that was so long ago no one is really certain of what year it was they actually won. Like Roosters, Sheep like to remind other CEOs of how good they were, but they are less obnoxious about it.
Sheep want to remain relevant, so they try to stay involved and up to date with fresh recruits, but they generally hesitate and only make safe decisions and draft known performers. Their low-risk low-reward tactics get them to the finals each year, but mean they bow out in the first and second weeks.
Typical Sheep recruit:
Corey Parker, Cam Smith and Paul Gallen. The safe bets.
The Sheep’s biggest rivals:
The Rabbit, Rat, Snake and Rooster. Anyone who takes a chance.
When you’re on the Horse’s team, that’s where you’ll stay. Through a magnificent combination of loyalty and laziness, (depending on the draft) Horse CEOs can either have a great season, or end up with a team full of injured players and blokes who head to the UK Super League in Round 13.
Throughout the season, a Horse’s squad can read like a casualty ward as the roster fills with injured players kept out of misguided devotion, or of a sense of can’t be bothered-ness.
However, if Horses draft well, they can be in pole position for the entire season.
Typical Horse recruit:
Players out injured until Round 20, because “he will kill it when he comes back.”
The Horse’s biggest rivals:
The Rat, Snake, Rooster and Rabbit; anyone who is active on the free list.
Snakes don’t know the most about the NRL, so they have to rely on expert columns, and whatever Phil Gould has to say. They have every copy of Big League and RLW, and don’t make a decision on anyone until someone has answered their post in the online forums.
It is not unusual for Snakes to switch their top goal kickers multiple times a season, and they will blindly recruit players just because the Telegraph predicted they’re going to be “the next Sterlo.” At then end of the season, it is often Snakes who have made the most changes to their squads.
Typical Snake recruit:
The random bench player who scored big LAST round.
The Snakes’ biggest rivals:
The Horse, Dragon, Ox and Sheep; anyone who is consistent.
Dragons rarely ever miss the finals. They tend to have the longest winning streak, and the most fantasy titles. Dragons command respect, and you always dread playing them. They’ve devoted much of their life to actual League, and fantasy league just comes naturally to them.
They are generally good-natured, and will congratulate other CEO’s who defeat them. They can see potential in players before it becomes apparent in their statistics, and their recruiting techniques can appear psychic.
Typical Dragon recruits
That kid in the Under 20’s who hasn’t seem to hit his stride yet, so everyone totally ignores him.
The Dragons’ biggest rivals:
The Pig, Snake, Rat and Dog; anyone who doesn’t respect the game.
Rabbits are the kind of fantasy CEOs who don’t need to read experts advice columns, because chances are, they know more than the “experts.”
They take the time to study the Under 20’s statistics and know who ALL the potential guns are before they’ve played their first game of NRL. They’re not necessarily outspoken about how much they know, but they take pride in assembling one of the more competitive teams in the league.
Like Dragons, Rabbits also study the game to recruit well, but unlike Dragons, Rabbit’s take NRLCEO far more seriously, are far more analytical and don’t shut the hell up about it. They can dead-set talk results, numbers and statistics until your ears bleed.
Typical Rabbit recruit:
That kid in the Under 20’s who is already posting great numbers.
The Rabbit’s biggest rivals:
The Pig, Dog, Sheep, and Horse; anyone who doesn’t respect the fantasy game.
Tigers have no business in your fantasy league, because they have very little interest in Rugby League. They only joined your fantasy comp because they’re your mate and they didn’t want to be left out.
They don’t look at anything before the draft, and waste everyone’s time trying to make decisions on the spot. When they do get around to picking a player, there’s a good chance another CEO drafted him 5 rounds ago.
Tigers only minimally tinker with their squad throughout the season, and only do so when more serious CEOs get frustrated and email them with suggestions on which recruits could bolster their squad. Without providing competition, they are the bane of the Rabbits’ existence.
Typical Tiger recruit:
Big name players who suffered season ending injuries in trial matches.
The Tiger’s biggest rivals:
No one. Tigers rarely pose a threat, unless it’s during the State Of Origin weeks, or randomly the one week when they’re playing you!
The Crystal Ballboy
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